Life

Tomorrow is an anniversary I wish I never had to remember. It marks the day that my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember the day very well. It was November 12, 1996 - Dwight's birthday. I was baking Dwight's birthday cake when I recieved a phone call from my Dad asking that we all gather at their home later that evening. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy visit. My Mom had been in for testing earlier that week. I was so angry I threw the spatula I was using to frost the cake across the room.

Three years ago, Dwight and I decided to move back to Utah from our home in the Seattle area. My Mom's cancer had spread to her liver, lungs and bones. She could barely walk. I wanted to be here to help her through what I thought would be her last few months. I went with my Mom to her visits at the cancer center. I sat with her when she recieved her infusion. I saw her go from barely able to walk, to barely being able to keep up with her when we went shopping. She is amazing.

Seven weeks ago I went with her to her last appointment at the cancer center. We were worried because her energy levels seemed to be dropping, but we had hope that she would be able to benifit from a new cancer study. We were discouraged to learn that the cancer had spread aggressively in the liver and that the liver was starting to shut down. She said her goodbyes at the cancer center and we headed home. I started to see the world differently on that drive home. I watched the buildings pass by downtown and realized that it would be the last time my Mom ever saw them.

Today I sit in the computer room in my parent's home. I can hear my Mom breathing in her bed. I have become quite aware of the different sounds she makes. I have been priviledged to stay here with her and my Dad for the past seven weeks. I will treasure this time with them always. Throughout the weeks I have shed many tears of sorrow, but I have also shed tears of joy as I have been able to have some very meaningful conversations with my Mom. She is still putting up the good fight and will continue to do so until the very end. I have newfound amazement for the strong woman that she is. I will forever think of her as one of my heros. The Hospice nurse told us that people die the same way that they live. I believe it. My Mom has never complained, even when the pain is excruciating. She has a grace and dignity that I hope to attain.

I know that the coming weeks will hold more tears, but I will look back on this time with a heart full of gratitude for the Mom that I have been blessed with. I am so grateful that I have a knowledge that I will be able to be with her again and that there are people who love her waiting to take her home. I continue to see things differently, I am realizing more and more what really matters in life. I never thought I could feel productive just sitting silently in a chair, but now I do. I believe that relationships are the most important thing we can work on in this life. I am grateful for the relationship that I have with my Mom. I am also grateful for an incredible husband who is holding down the fort at home so I can be here with my Mom. He made if possible for me to spend as much time as needed with my Mom the past three years. I will forever be grateful for my Dad, who has a deep love for my Mom. Watching him care for her is truly inspiring.

Life is made up of both the happy and the sad. I learned that from my Mom. When I was younger, I remember her sitting at the foot of my bed at night. She asked me what my happy was for the day, and what had made me sad. I knew that it was okay to be sad. I'm glad that she showed by example that we can experience the sad, but we don't have to live there.

I have a deep love for my Mom. She is a woman who has accomplished much in her life. I'm sure when it is time for her to go, if we listen closely we will hear cheers from the other side. She has lived a good life and has had an impact on many - especially me. It is a privilege to be able to call myself her daughter.